A Year Ago Today - Impossible to Believe

Its been a year since my last chemo session.  The anniversary would have been sometime last week...the 22nd or 23rd. I think its a pretty good thing that I can't remember the exact date.  It seems so long ago and just yesterday all at the same time.  It's very true that "it always seems impossible until its done" but in this case, it feels impossible that it actually is done.

My fourth and last chemo was a surreal event.  At this point, it was old hat.  Blood test a week before, a weigh in when I get there, consultation with Lisa the NP and Heidi my oncologist, and then into the chair.  After hoping the needle went into the port correctly and getting all settled, the saline and benadryl dripping from the first bag making me feel warm and dizzy and I quickly fall to sleep. My husband and my mother take turns sitting next to me, talking, dozing, trying to read.  Women come in and out, some with short chemo sessions, some with longer ones.  I looked around at all of them, taking them in, looking at who they are and what they were going through, wondering what their stories were.  I couldn't believe that I'd come to this day, where the journey "ends" or at least the treatment does.

A couple of hours passed, the bags dripped out, the tubes were taken out, a bandage placed on port and the words "Congratulations you're done."  I wanted to celebrate but it felt so wrong. Being around so many women who were so sick, some will be on chemo for the rest of their lives, some will not live much longer, it felt rude to celebrate, to be the one who leaves "cured."
It also felt strange to be free and out of treatment.  Chemo is not fun and not something to look forward to, but it at least felt like something was happening.  I wanted to attack the cancer, kill it and keep it away.  How do I know it is staying away if I'm not at the office every month, getting tests, getting treatments? What does a life that doesn't revolve around doctors' offices and strategy sessions look like?  Is keeping cancer away something I can do on my own? What happens next?

In the last year I've tried to focus on health, family and happiness.  I do things that make me happy.  I sleep when I want to. I run and exercise and try to eat healthy. I focus more on family and friends and less on work.  I am learning more about cancer and advocacy.  People have opened up to me about their fears and medical issues and I've referred more women than I would have believed to my doctor.  I've celebrated when they find out its not cancer and I've felt their heartbreak when they've found out it is.

I've gone through a journey that seemed impossible until it was over.  Now I know its never over, that it sits on the minds and hearts of the people I love, advises my decisions in work and play, and brings people into my life that I never imagined.  I don't know exactly what the next days or years will bring.  I hoping and working toward health, happiness and enjoying the journey.

A Year Ago Today/The Return to Health: Go Pink!

Today's post is a combination "A Year Ago Today" and "The Return to Health."  As I've blogged about before, TRX was a big part of my return to fitness after cancer.  I was able to Zumba through some of my treatments, but when I was ready to get strong again, TRX and Hosner Fitness was right there to help.

A year ago today, was the First Annual GO PINK for Breast Cancer at Hosner Fitness.  Usually closed on Sunday, Hosner Fitness opened for a Sunday in October to raise money for Cancer Services Program of Fulton and Montgomery County. Suzanne Hagadorn and her crew provided screenings free of charge for breast, cervical and colorectal and provide education on cancer prevention and early detection.   Last year, I was recovering from surgery #2, but came over to watch one of the classes.  It was a time that I was still very unsure of what was going on and pretty scared.  Seeing the community come out and support one another like that was touching and hopeful.


This year, I am so incredibly blessed to be healthy enough to participate.  I put on my pink shirt and "cancer sucks" headband and joined in the fun at 8 am.  They do 4,  30 minutes classes at ten dollars each.  This year over 50 people signed up for classes.

The place was all decorated in Pink, and the lights were off to give it more of a party atmosphere with DJ Mike Garrasi providing the music and lights.

There were raffles, t-shirts, snacks, and bracelets for sale will all proceeds going to the cause.

They filled the walls with 160 ribbons celebrating survivors and supporters.

And since the classes were sold out, Rob agreed to wear this while instructing......

I know there is a lot of pink this month and the seriousness of cancer can get lost in the "save the ta-tas," that horrendous motor-boating scheme and "I'm a Boob Man" mentality of Breast Cancer awareness month.  We forget that its actually about saving women (and men), not their body parts.   This event is so great and so special because not only is the community coming together to raise money for a good cause but they come together for a celebration.  They are celebrating health and strength.  They are empowering women to take control of their health, to lead a health lifestyle that helps prevent cancer or, like me and the many other survivors that work out there, return to a healthy, vibrant lifestyle after cancer.

I can't wait to hear how much money was raised or to see the professional pictures taken by Katie Ramirez. When I'm do I will be sure to share.  For now, I'll leave you with the sign each group took their picture with, made by one of our strong survivors, Karen Agresta.  

Healthy Sunday: Ovarian Cancer 5K Team Kelly - Picture Time!!!

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Sunday September 15th, an incrediable group of people got together to run or walk to raise awareness and research money for Ovarian Cancer.  I feel so special and amazed that they all came together as a team for me.  My family was there, as were some of my best friends and their families and their friends.  It truly shows how cancer affects everyone.  To think that it wasn't just my friends and family, but their friends and family as well that were praying for me, cheering me on and supporting the ones I love was incrediable to see first hand.  Wearing our Team Kelly shirts, we walked, ran and laughed our way through the day.   

The day started at Albany's Washington Park where we ran into my oncologist and nurse practitioner, got to see all of the other awesome teams as well as teal swag, information tables and crafts. 

There aren't a lot of people who hang out in the 13 minute  mile zone, but my friends Thom and Joe ran alongside me      keeping time for me and cheering me on.  We finished in about 38 minutes which was good for me but very slow for them.  I totally love them for that. 

Afterward we went to Starbucks and then Across the Street Pub and I got to hang out and bask in the awesomeness of these incrediable people. We talked and laugh and at the end of it all left feeling satisfied, accomplished and loved.  

Healthy Sunday: Power Pancakes

Sundays are good days to focus on health.  Its my day for the grocery store and food prep.  I know that if I don't get all the veggies cut up and the meals planned for the week on Sunday, I'll end up with less money in my pocket and a few more inches around my waist by the end of the week.

The Healthy Sunday I am loving these 3 ingredient power pancakes:

These are gluten free, mostly sugar free, and have protein, fruit and oats!  You've probably seen them floating around Facebook and Pinterest.  Here is my take on them.

Start with two eggs, an old banana, and a smile!

Mash them up with a fork until they are smooth.

Figure out what you want to add in.  I've been treating myself this week to a few Ghirardelli 60% Dark Chocolate Chips.  (If you haven't made cookies with this yet, DO IT, they are amazing). When I don't add the chocolate I use the really cool "Sugar, chocolate and Coffee Bean" grinder I bought at Trader Joe's and don't usually find much of a reason to use.  

Place 1/4 cup of oats and a few Chocolate Chips in the blender. Grind it up until the oats have a flour-like consistency, the chips will be nice and small so you'll get chocolate in every bite.  

Mix it in with the egg mixture until it looks like batter.  And pour onto a  greased (I use Coconut Oil Spray) heated frying pan or griddle.  

These take a little longer to cook than pancakes but they are totally worth it! I find it makes 4 small sized cakes.  

Fall Variation:

This morning I took out one egg and added some pumpkin butter I made using this recipe from Repeat Crafter Me.  

The consistency was different but the taste was so amazing I only manged to get this crappy picture half way through eating them.  

What are some other ideas for add ins?  Healthy substitutions you do?  I am always looking for new ideas!

The Return to Health: Compression Socks

I've joined the club...what club you ask?  The club of runners with brightly colored knee socks.  You know you've seen them, usually bright green or pink, like the 80's meets Catholic School Uniform.  Yup, I've joined the compression sock club...and these aren't your Grandma's compression socks.

The reason why is that I was having a hard time seeing my knees.  Yes, my knees.  I'd find by the end of the day my legs were so swollen that my knee caps seemed to disappear.  My oncologist warned this could happen and I was definitely on the look out.  After breaking down into tears upon trying on shorts for the summer, I decided to do a little something about it.  I was worried about Lymphedema so I emailed a high school friend who is currently a Physical Therapist specializing in Lymhedema.

From Cancer.Net:

Lymphedema is swelling, caused by the buildup of lymph in the tissues. Lymph is the fluid that carries immune cells (mostly lymphocytes) throughout the body. It is similar to a "highway" for your immune system. Tiny, bean-shaped organs called lymph nodes make lymph and filter bacteria and other harmful substances. They can be compared to "rest stops" for your immune cells. When the lymph nodes are removed, there is a backup of lymph into the surrounding tissues. Lymphedema can be very uncomfortable and sometimes painful. It can also delay the healing of wounds and raise the risk of infection near the swelling.

During my 2nd surgery, lymph nodes in my groin and upper stomach were removed to help prevent the spread of cancer.  My friend quickly wrote back to me with a lot of information and advice.  From what she said about Lymphedema and some of my research, I came to the conclusion that I might be overreacting a bit (me...never!). Many cancer survivors suffer from painful Lymphedema that is much worse than what I am currently experiencing. It would be good to take some preventative steps against the swelling that was occurring.

The minute I put on the compression socks, I could feel the difference.  I bought them after a long day of wedding dress shopping with my sister and the relief was immediate.  I wear them to run as they are supposed to fight fatigue and speed up muscle recovery.  But I also throw them on after a long day on my feet, especially if I'm not wearing the most supportive of shoes. I got these from Dick's Sporting Goods, they only had pink but I see on the website that I am going to have to order the Teal!

I am glad to say that for the most part, the tree trunk knees are gone.  Hopefully through more fitness and exercise, I can love my legs again!    

Side Note:  I will be rocking these socks THIS SUNDAY at the 12th Annual Caring Together Ovarian Cancer 5K run / walk in Albany's Washington Park.  If you'd like to make a donation or join "Team Kelly" check it out here:  https://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/KQD/12th-annual-teal-ribbon-runwalk

Return to Health - I Can See!

Photo Credit

Chemo does a lot of funky things to a person's body.  Some are obvious - exhaustion, nausea , hair loss. Others not so much.  One I didn't realize I had was a change in vision.  According to The National Cancer Institute eye changes can include trouble wearing contact lenses, blurry vision, and watery eyes.

My eye sight has always been poor.  I've worn glasses since the 6th grade and I live in my contacts (well I sleep in them, which some people frown upon). Upon getting my first pair of glass, I looked at my sister and said "Wow, you have freckles on your nose!"  So when things were a little more blurry than usual, I figured it was just time for a new prescription.  I went for my regular appointment in February and when my ophthalmologist found out I had cancer (the head scarf gives it away every time) she scheduled two follow up appointments and field vision tests.  I've had my first follow up and field vision and everything showed up normal.  I told them I still didn't feel like I was seeing as crisply as I wanted to.  She told me just to give it time.

Then, just last week, it was like a light turned back on.  I was watching a video of our monthly legislative meeting in order to write the minutes.  While we have good camera equipment, it isn't the best.  As I was watching, I couldn't believe how clear and crisp everything looked.  I asked Joe, who made the video, if he had done anything different because it felt like I was watching HD.  When he assured me it was the same old stuff, I really started paying attention to how I was seeing.  On rainy, dark nights I noticed I could actually read the signs on the highway while driving home (good thing I knew the way home without needing to read!).  I am loving the ability to see clearer and that everything just looks brighter.  This was just an unexpected improvement on the road to the Return to Health!

Return to Health: Running!

Sometime last week I reposted my blog from just about a year ago when I proudly "broke up" with running.  I loved that post, I found it equal parts witty and sassy and it meant I didn't have to run ever again!   I figured running was too big of a mountain to climb and that plenty of people live healthy lifestyles without having to pound the pavement for hours.  Little did I know that there where quite a few factors causing  my lethargy and weight gain.  After being diagnosed with cancer three months later, running didn't seem like that much of a challenge.

After chemo, I became determined to run again.  My wonderful friends decided that to create Team Kelly to run in the 12th Annual Teal Ribbon Run/Walk in September 2013.  I began doing Couch to 5K and feel my strength growing with each run.  Of course, there are some terrible, terrible days running.  But the reality is, I just didn't know how tired I was before cancer.  I thought that kind of tired was normal, a by product of a busy life, a semi-healthy diet that needed to be pain old healthy, and too much beer.  I am changing a lot of things about my lifestyle during this "Return to Health" and how I feel while running is a direct reflection on how well I am sticking to those changes.  

On June 1st, while only 5 weeks through my Couch to 5K, this fabulous mini-team Kelly and I "ran" the JoAnn and Nancy 5k in Schenectady.  JoAnn and Nancy were sister-in-laws who battled ovarian cancer together.  Their families honor their memory every year with this run.  JoAnn's son Jeff is a good friend and colleague and we were all honored to run with his family on this very HOT day in June.  It was an amazing day to fight like a girl! My time was 41:30 - something to beat to September! 

I got to be #1!  Pretty impressive since I hardly ever register for anything early!

3 Months Cancer Free...And Still Crazy

I've always had an extremely active imagination.  For some people, this means dragons swooping down and rescuing them off to an island of candy and sushi, for others, its inventing a wizarding school and an orphaned boy that is destined to save the world and make his creator billions of dollars.  For me, it doesn't mean best selling novels, it just means worrying, lots of worrying.   I've gotten better over the years and for having a disease that has some pretty nasty outcomes, I am impressed with my ability to remain calm, sane, almost normal.  But then check up week came along and normal went out the window.


This is a little story about what happens when a crazy, superstitious lady goes in for her 3 month post cancer check up....



When a crazy, superstitious lady goes for a post cancer check up, she gets nervous a week in advance.  I filled the week up with plenty of distractions but by Thursday I was spent.  I had golf league but all I really wanted to do was go home and hide so that is what I did.  For the record, the patio on a spring night with the hubs, the dog, and a glass of wine is a great way to hide out.  I woke up on Friday with a nervous energy.  I cleaned the kitchen, did some knitting, caught up on an episode of Once Upon a Time and it was still only 8:30am.  When cleaning out the mail tray, I came across this.

When a crazy, superstitious lady comes across a package like this, she hides it at the bottom of her purse.  I knew what this was.  Any other day, I would have happily ripped it open, but not Friday.  Friday I had to face what I had spent 3 months trying to ignore and what was inside of this box could very well jinx it.  So the box was hidden, to be opened in the case of good news only.  In hopes that the words on the box would in fact come true.

 When a crazy, superstitious lady goes to her 3 month post cancer check up, rituals are very important.  Breakfast at Panera is a tradition.  Being late is a given.  We also get on the Thruway at the first Schenectady entrance, not the third.  The last time we went that way Mike almost got a speeding ticket and I got cancer.  So we don't got that way anymore.

When a crazy, superstitious lady goes to her 3 month post cancer check up, she reads way too much into things.  It was busy and I had quite a wait.  The staff, who are so well known to me after all of this, said hello like old friends and commented on my hair.  Each time I analyzed their words.  Did they know something I didn't know?  Were my numbers higher than last time?  If they didn't sound cheerful enough, I was sure something was up.  Any break in eye contact made me worry as to why they couldn't look me in the eye.  Never mind that they are busy with people sicker than me.  I was too focused on the news I would get to think of anything else.

When a crazy, superstitious lady goes to her 3 month post cancer check up and chats with her oncologist about Match.com she finally relaxes.  Yes,  we talked about my health, any symptoms I might be noticing, and a lot of gory details you don't need to know.  But we quickly switched gears to yoga, dating, and tulip fest.  We chatted about upcoming 5ks, summer plays in the park, and life that is assumed to be full, healthy, and long.

When a crazy, superstitious lady goes to 3 month post cancer check up, she gains some much needed perspective.  A 3 month post cancer check up is about more than the numbers that come back from blood work.  It is about remembering how far I've come and how truly blessed I am to be healthy right now.  That is truly humbling. It is about getting strength from the courageous women still fighting cancer and hopefully inspiring them as some one who has been through it as well.  Its about the incredible men and women who dedicate their lives to helping us, who cry and laugh with us, deliver that hard news, and empower us meet cancer head on.

When a crazy, superstitious lady allows herself to open that box, put together its contents and put them around her neck she comes one step closer to believing.  Believing that she's made it through, believing that she is cured, believing that she is, in fact, a survivor.

You Don't Have to be Angelina to Take Charge of Your Health

In movies, Angelina Jolie is pretty bad ass...

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In real life, Angelina Jolie is pretty bad ass...

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When it comes to taking control of her own health, Angelina Jolie is pretty bad ass...


My Medical Choice - NY Times Op Ed

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In fact, if there are any doubts of how bad ass Angelina is, they went out the window after reading her piece in the NY Times.  While not the first woman to take these steps, she used her celebrity to amplify this conversation on technology, testing, medical decisions, research and funding.  Many are cheering her honesty and advocacy on this very important issue.  Many are dismissing her courage by pointing out her wealth, support, and the luxury they perceive she had in making this decision.  And many will tell you their thoughts on both sides. 

What I'm here to to tell you is simple.  You don't have to be Angelina Jolie to take charge of your health.  You don't need a fancy place called Pink Lotus to treat your body, you don't need to be able to hire staff, and you don't need Brad Pitt, even though that would be nice...

 You can be just as bad ass, if not more bad ass, as the Tomb Raider herself.  Women are making these courageous decisions every day in all areas of their health.  You don't have to be Angelina Jolie, but you can follow her lead.

Steps to Courageously Taking Charge of Your Health

1.  Get Healthy - exercise, eat, and sleep well.  Yes, it is a daily challenge - rise to it. Angelina claims to not exercise or work out.  So we mere mortals will have to figure this out ourselves.

2.  Know Your Family History - have those tough discussions with your family members.  Write it down and share it with the ones you love (and even the ones you are iffy on).  Find out the type of illnesses, the age of diagnosis, the symptoms and the results. Breast cancer, for example, has 14 different types listed on  Breastcancer.org Do your best to find out the most specific information.  Angelina used her knowledge of her mother's cancer to inform her decision.

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3.  Know Your Body - know what is normal for you when it comes to your menstrual cycle, gastrointestinal issues, heart rate, blood pressure, headaches, sleep patterns, etc.  They are all more connected than we can understand.  Know what is normal so that you can fight for yourself when something feels "off". And if necessary, label the parts...

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4.  Get a Doctor You Trust and Inform THEM - find a doctor you can talk to, feel comfortable with and that listens to you.   If you don't have a doctor you feel comfortable with, find one.  Ask your family and friends for help.  We often think of doctors appointments as a time to get information, not give it.  If you've followed the steps listed above you are the expert on your health, your history, and your body.  Educate your health care professional.  The more information he or she has the better advice they can give and the stronger they can advocate for you to get certain tests and preventative measures covered by insurance.   Go beyond the borders and really work with your doctor.

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5.  Stay Informed About Your Health Risks - once you've identified any risks in your history, stay up to date on that field.  There are a lot of websites and publications out there, search out the best.  If you need help finding valid information, ask your healthcare professional (but please don't use the internet to self diagnose!).  It's not a crime to be curious....

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6.  Reach Out to a Support Network - foster relationships in  your family, your community and your friends.  Start a monthly girls night, an annual family reunion, or volunteer in the community.  This will help you build the strong relationships and support networks that are vital to living a healthy life and getting through difficult situations.  Get involved with causes that line up with your family history, both in honor of your loved ones and in order to keep up with the latest news.  Whether its your partner, your best friend, your co-workers, or your neighbors, find people you can take on the world with...

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7.  Believe in Yourself - you are strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, and courageous enough to tackle anything.  A quick review of your life will most likely show times you've risen to the occasion, survived tremendous adversity, succeed against all odds.  As trite as it sounds, knowledge is power.  Learn. Believe.  Fight. You have a mighty heart...

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Sure, Angelina Jolie is pretty bass but the truth is, so are you.

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 Disclaimer - I am not a doctor or health care professional and this is not medical advice.  I am a survivor, an advocate, and a believer in the strength of the human spirit.  If you know me in real life, you know I probably haven't seen half of the A.J. movies but am totally obsessed with Wonder Woman. 

Let's Talk About Hair - Their Hair, Their Words

I've always said do good things and you'll meet good people.  Somewhere along the way, I've met amazing people that I am blessed to call friends. Now, in order to be an amazing friend, you don't have to cut off your hair.  But these two girls did, and that is just one small part of what makes them amazing.  Meaghan is a counselor, a community volunteer, and the friend that everyone turns to in order to keep their sanity.  Meaghan is the girl you call when you need to shave off your hair, she's that kind of friend.  She has a cousin who is also battling cancer and she cut her hair for the both of us.  Karen is a Doctor who chooses to work with the sickest newborn babies, gets invited to more weddings than anyone I know, and manages to be a tremendous friend to many, regardless of all the miles between NY and TX.  Both of them would never say they were "writers" but I disagree.  The hair belongs to them so the words should belong to them.  Grab your tissues - here they are:

 Meghan:

This morning I chopped off 11.5 inches of my hair, which is going to be donated in honor of my one of my best friends Kelly Quist-Demars & my cousin Diane Montanaro. Both of these strong, beautiful women are kicking cancer's ass & I couldn't be prouder to stand by their sides while they fight it!

Karen:

Kelly...

So I know that many people are telling you how amazing you are and that the strength and courage that you give so many of your friends and family is unparalleled (to which I 1000% agree with)

As you and all of our friends know, I am not the writer of our group. Nor am I close to being good at it - So I won't pretend to write something awe-inspiring or anything of that nature.

I am however a physician ... I have diagnosed cancer, I have delivered that news to families, I have been a part of surgery talks and chemotherapy talks, I have watched the beginning/middle and end stages of hundreds of patients, from diagnosis to survivors and angels.  Each one of them has affected my life. I have always been taught as a physician - that we never forget the moment, that one moment when a person utters cancer. Life freezes. You may have experienced that one moment (or many), I know that I experienced a moment right alongside you the day you called. I lost my breath. I wanted so badly to climb through my phone and travel across the thousands of miles just to see you and be there. But alas, life doesn't always work at StarTrek like "beam me ups" and therefore it has taken me a little while to get to NY and be able to give you that hug.

However, I wanted to do something more. To show strength in another way - I once donated my hair just because, for kids with cancer, it was a nice thing to do. Kids that I now see and interact with often. But this is so much more. This my dear friend is a small show of strength for you and to stand beside you...I know it's not a lot, I know it won't go directly to you but I know that it will show and give courage to some woman and hopefully give that person just a small iota of your strength and determination.

Lots of Love always! So proud to call you my friend and one of my survivors! :-)

Let's Talk About Hair: I Lost My Hair in NYC

Photo Credit: Hiedi Hays Photography

Let's talk about hair.  You've all seen the picture.  It's great isn't it? There she is, taking the bull by the horns, controlling her destiny, giving cancer the middle finger by shaving off her hair.  Well as we learn in those "celebrities without makeup" sections, photos aren't always what they seem.  

Loosing my hair was a slow process, one I had a lot to time to think about and get used to.  Still, nothing really prepares a woman for losing her hair.  But if it had to go, I am glad it went the way it did. In phases, with love and support and just a few tears.   Check out everythng hair in Return to Health: Hair , Phase One - Short and Sexy, and St. Baldrick's Day. Here is Phase Two.

Phase Two - I Lost My Hair in NYC


I'd done everything I could to keep my hair as long as possible.  I read online to avoid using hair products and to brush your as little as possible.  I ditched the mascara in hopes to keep my eyelashes and stopped plucking my eyebrows.  My eyebrows and eyelashes hung on until the very end before the got chunky but my hair started giving way much sooner.

 After the first round of chemo my scalp started to ache.  It felt like it does when you tie a pony tail too tight and the hair has been slightly pulled over a long period of time.  It hurts all over, which is something no one tells you. I went back to Amanda on a Friday and got my hair cut even shorter.  She said it looked like it wasn't thinning at all.  And then just like that, it started thinning.  Brushing my hair led to tons of hair in the brush.  At the end of each shower I found more and more hair in the drain.

A few days later, on Tuesday, we left for NYC to see A Christmas Story on Broadway.  You might remember it from this post. We had an amazing time, all dressed up and looking sassy.  I tried my best to avoid touching my hair.  Each time I did more and more hair would be in my hand. It was nice to feel pretty one last time.

The next morning, I woke up to my pillow looking like this. 

It was time.  It was going.  Fortunately we were on the same block as the wholesalers who the street vendors buy their hats from.  So I walked down the street to a whole store full of hats at very, very cheap prices. I bought 8 hats and when I got back to the room, cleaned up the hair as best I could, and left a big tip for the cleaning lady.

On the train ride home, I texted Amanda, she said to come right in.  I texted my friend Meaghan and told her I needed her.   She came right over and drove me there.

When I walked into the salon, the only other two customers were two people I rode the school bus with every day growing up.  We exchanged pleasantries and fortunately, their sessions were up before it was my turn.  I just didn't know what to say or even how to speak at that point. 

As I sat in the chair, Amanda told me it would be alright.  Meaghan held my hand and handed me tissues as I cried. Amanda started in the back and the hair fell to the floor clump after clump.  I'd prepared myself, I talked to friends about it, I cried at a Siena game with Kaleigh about it, but I still wasn't completely ready. At this point, I still hadn't told a ton of people and it wasn't "facebook official" which we all know is what makes things true.  Losing my hair made it real, people would know was sick, I would have to accept I was sick.

As Amanda got to the front of my head and it started evening out Meaghan said to me, "You asshole, you even look awesome with no hair!" And the real reason I am an asshole is that was I thinking that same thing too!  So I lost my hair in NYC but I found my confidence to own my illness, to talk about my sickness, and rock my bald head that day in Amsterdam with new and old friends holding my hands, letting me cry, and even calling me an asshole. 

No sign of tears here!

Rocking the bald head!